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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.12.08  14.24 I just went back and read some of the things i posted and frankly i am embarrassed by my stupidty. I was such a child and i wonder how many peoples lives i have ruined. I wish i could go back and treat certain people, vanessa, differently and i wish i could do things differently and explain myself..... I suppose i can't live my life as a what if or a i wish because i would wish my life away..............basically....i'm so terribly sorry..............

	2008.07.11  09.28 Eleven Days.

	2008.07.02  20.58 300 Cupcakes Well, i think its ironic how a person can spend their whole life thinking one, determined way and it only takes three hundred cupcakes to change it all around. To the point, the three hundred cupcakes is just representation of a long, long day at work. I came home tired and wore out and realized that i haven't really done anything with my life, that i haven't really lived yet. I guess thats not something that you can just up and suddenly do, but its something to work at, something to aim for, right?

	2008.01.10  08.16 My Song He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about And she's got everything that I have to live without She calls him up, She?s tripping on the phone now, He had to get up,And he ain?t comin home now.... It?s too late to be trippin' on the phone here, Get off the wire, You know everything is good here, Stop what you?re doin', You don?t wanna ruin, The chance that you got to, Find a new one. I waited eight long months, She finally set him free. I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me. Two weeks and we caught on fire, She's got it out for me, But I wear the biggest smile.

	2007.08.11  08.30 Anyways..... Well, today is my third day at work and my body is crazy sore. I'll get used to it eventually, but until then...... :). I'm feeling mighty confused about alot of things, and I can't help but be that way. I haven't seen my friends in quite sometime, but theres always christmas. I feel like I've been abandoned by them. Then I think to myself if none of them call me, email me, or make an effort to talk to me then how close are we. Then I think about whats wrong with me that I only have one best friend. :( I also can't decide if I like this guy, that I think that I do, but then I don't and things feel so freaking complicated and I wonder why kids always say they want to grow up because when you do things are a thousand times harder and easier all at the same time. I wish I had mind reading capabilities because then I would just read these peoples minds, find out how they feel about me and do something about it. :) I hope work goes well.

	2007.08.10  08.20 Blah.... Well, I got a job at Krogers and started work there yesterday. It was the longest eight hours of my life. My feet were killing me, I know I have to get used to it, I have before. Besides that the people were great, I made some friends, and everything was good until I came home and found a rash on both my legs. AHHHHHHHH. Anyways, I hope work is easier, quicker and more fun today....(Knock on wood).

	2007.07.25  17.42 Changes.... Well, alot of stuff has been happening lately. Alot. I've moved in with my aunt and am trying to find a couple of jobs. Life is pretty great, I've never been so happy, but sometimes thats overwhelming. I feel like I've given up so much to feel this way. I've left a lot of doors open and I think I should maybe close them. I don't know. I finally feel like I'm doing with my life now only it hurts when I think about how much it took to get here. How the only person that really knows me is me. Second after that is my aunt. I hope that one day I can share me with others but I'm alot to handle and they have to be strong enough. Someday it will happen....:)

	2007.05.07  04.04 Forever.... "The way I see it you've got two paths you can take, you can keep moving forward or you can go back. Which path is the right one is different for everyone. It's going to be hard and tough either way, but Im going to help you. So......what's it gonna be?" (I came up with this as something I could say to someone thats done and broken, its very persuasive when said a certain way.) I came up with this thing I'm going to tell people when I believe that we are the closest we can be. That way that they know that I will be there for them. I'm the kind of person that I don't trust you immediately, but when you get it, its there forever, no matter what. So, after we get to know each other and such, and we get close i'm going to say it, Forever? and thats it. That way they know. Well, I've got four days left of school, and I am happy and sad all at the same time. Im going to miss all of the friends that I've made, but I can't wait to get my life started. :) I've decided to go to cosmotology school, and I know that california is a long way away, but I know I can succeed. I wouldn't want to do it so bad, and with so much of my heart, if God didn't want it for me, he would have pushed me in another direction. I know it will be hard, but I can do it. I've been telling everyone that, I'm ready for Hollywood, but I'm not so sure that Hollywood is ready for me. I'm alot to handle, and I can force my prescence sometime to get my point across. I can't wait, and I'm so excited. Mood: nerdy

	2007.04.12  14.20 To sum it all up..... Alot of stuff has happened to me over the last year, and its all coming to a close. I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, and you should just accept what happens and roll with it. Basically, school at EKU has been great. I've made alot of friends, found Jesus, gained self-confidence, and finally realized what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm going to go to cosmotology school. I'm going to work first, then go. I have to save up money so that I won't be poor when I go. I was having trouble accepting all the signs that I should go to cosmotology school, because its not a particularily scholarly path. I've realized now that that doesn't matter, you should do what you want to do, and will make you happy. and benefit other people. I've never realized how much fixing someone's hair and makeup raises their confidence and self-esteem, but it sure does. I like to do that, too. When someone is happy and smiling, then I'm happy and smiling. So, basically I've decided to do that, and I can't wait to get started on it. YAY!!!!!! I've also decided that I should stop worrying about boys and all the related stuff. I will find a guy eventually that will love me as much as I love them, find my soul-mate I suppose. I've always worried about it for some reason, and now I know that they will come to me when its there time. Basically, God is preparing a guy for me and preparing me for them. I like to tell people that since I'm so complicated, and a little bit weird, that it's going to take me longer than everyone else. lol. Mood: content Music: What I've done, by Linkin' Park

	2007.03.12  12.32 Fake... You know I try so hard to be a nice person, but after a while it just takes its toll. I hate it when people act one way around you , and a totally diffirent way around everyone else. I am not going to specify who this person is, but I think they know who they are. WHAT exactly are you telling people about me, and yourself, because the things you tell me and them aren't the same. I understand that you had a bad childhood and have suffocating parents but come one already, I've told you about my childhood, and I don't let it rule my life. Eventually, you have to stop making excuses and own up to the choices you make. I used to think that you were afraid to stand up to your mother, but I know the truth now. You don't want to stand up to her, because you like the way you live. You like being told what to do, and having everything paid for by someone else, and you like not having to make any decisions on your own. Don't deny it, thats the truth of it all. Because the moment you have to decide things for yourself, you back out and don't want to do it. Because your AFRAID. afraid of living on your own, and afraid that if something goes wrong, or it was a bad decision that YOU will have to take the blame. That YOU can't blame it on anyone else because its your fault. I totally get it now. I hate how RUDE you are to me, and how little you think of me, and how badly you treat me around other people, then you get all ANGRY and go tell someone how I said this and I said that just to make you look better. and I pretend its all okay, and that it doesn't bother me anymore, but it does. I am done feeling sorry for you, and for feeling guilty when you confront me about something you did. I just wish that people would grow up and act there age. and another thing to this person if they read this, I am done trying to help yo uto be a better person, done. I am no longer going to try to help you stand up for yourself, and I am going to stop tolerating your ridiculous behaviors. I'm done. I will still be polite to you, but I'm done with everything else. Mood: thoughtful Music: none

	2007.02.27  21.59 Important. This is for all those that read this, and all that. When I post on here, I am basically ranting. None of it means anything; its all heat of the moment type stuff. I rant and then after I have thought about it, I, 99% of the time, feel differently. Its just a way for me to get things off my chest, without bothering anyone. If you really feel like I am telling the truth, confront me about it, and we can talk it over. I just want everyone to know that, and to tell everyone that I don't even remember half the things I wrote. Heat of the moment.... Mood: contemplative

	2007.02.27  16.04 A very frequent topic... Seems to be as of late that I am talking all about the same thing all of the time, but the truth of the matter is that I simply can not help it. I think I am about to go insane from a continuous battering of repeated topics. All I hear is the same stuff, over and over and over, until I feel so overwhelmed from a mix of the stuff and the fact that everything I say can't not be heard. If I say it, she says she hears me and understands me, but then I hear about the same thing the very next day. If it is truly a problem then fix it, and stop, please do, stop pushing so much repetition off on me. I like to help my friends, and listen to them, and support them, and all that friendship requires, but there is only so much I can take before I do in fact go crazy. Another thing that is going to help me on my path of insanity is the simple fact, that if I say it, its nice to hear, but not accepted, but if someone else, who obviously means more to you than I do, says it, then it is the word of God, and it is all great and wonderful. How is it that two people say the same exact thing, and only one gets heard. I say it, and its well thought out and percise, but if abbey or sarah say it, then it means so much more. It doesn't matter that I say it all of the time, and that I say it first, you won't listen until they say it. I get that they are great girls, and smart, but how does that make what I say unimportant. When I ask you why it is that they say it and you hear it, but you don't hear it from me, you just say that they just pushed it in farther. I understand that you have an IMAGE to uphold, of one where your quiet and studious, and all this and that. BUT I see how you look at other people, and I know why you dont ask guys out. They don't, because I know the real you, the you that you don't show them, because your AFRAID of what they will think. You speak differently, tones and words, around everyone else, you act differently, and basically, you treat me like crap. There is nothing wrong with me not partying all night, or going to bed early, its what I like and there is nothing wrong with it. That poem I wrote you had some very well put thoughts, and if you would look at EACH word seperately, then together, you would know exactly what I am saying, and maybe, just maybe, this time, you can actually hear what I have said................(before someone else tells you the exact same thing, in the exact same way, right after I tell it to you.) Mood: moody

	2007.02.25  00.43 Well... So, basically I am a big jerk. I'll admit it, it really can't be helped. I try not to be, but I am so tired of being disappointed. I know that since it is something that is being offered to me, that it isn't my decision what she does with her car, but I really, really am getting tired of getting told when were going home, then making totally awesome plans, and out of nowhere getting told that, oh, wait, we aren't going home. and I am so sorry were not, its really not my fault that I keep telling you we are, I just can't seem to keep track of what I am doing. I know that I am not supposed to judge, but I am tired of it, really. I love going home, and I love my family, and I am truly sorry that this person doesn't. That is not my fault. I did not make that decision to give her the family she has, but she chooses to disapoint people, not me. It's just that every time I make plans to do something, and she knows about them, she backs down at the last minute, almost out of spite. God, please give me the strength to not get so angry, please. I know that my anger is slightly unjustified, but here is how it is. I don't have a working car, so I depend upon another person to take me home. She says that its no problem, and I am truly grateful for it, but come on. DO NOT TELL ME, that we are going home on a certain weekend, then BACK OUT. This is the second time that this has happened, and I had made plans, and now they're ruined. This time it really hurts my feelings, because I was supposed to be the hostess of my brother's baby shower. My first nephew. Come on, how is that not supposed to hurt my feelings. Then, on another part, this person even said, that we were going home then, and that she would LOVE to come. How is that supposed to be true? Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me????? Isn't that what they say. How about this, I will just ask this person to stop telling me when we are going home, that way I don't make plans, and I won't get hurt anymore. I will just stop setting myself up for more disapointment. And another thing, just stop with the whole self-pity, and everyone hates me stuff. I seem to be writing about this an awlful lot, but I really can't help it. NO one hates you, your life is not that bad, considering your family pays for your absolutely everything, you have friends, jesus, food, etc. etc., so what can you possibly have to be so sad about? You don't have any major pressing issues, and if your mother is really bothering you that much, tell her how it is, and stop complaining. I sympathize with your hurt feelings, and all that, but you are well pass the age of adult hood and you still act as if you are a child. You are your own boss, and its time you started acting like it. If there are things you want to do, and want to be and your mother SIMPLY won't allow it, just grow some balls and tell her your an adult. If she says she won't give you money anymore for anything, get another job or some loans and do it yourself. You know what? I'm done, I'm done pretending to be happy with this situation. Thats it. Mood: irritated

	2007.02.22  13.19 Wondering why? Well, basically last night, some jerk stole my purse. Vanessa and I had gone to the gym to workout, I sat my purse down, and we put our jackets over it. We left it alone for a maximum of 20 minutes. I was on a rowing machine. I was using vanessas phone, and her battery died, so, I went to get mine and discovered my purse was gone. I told the guy at the front desk, and he called campus police, and it was a huge fiasco. The front desk worker and the police woman were helpful, but I figured i wouldn't get anything back. The police officer was asking me questions, and some guy came up to me and handed me my purse, saying that he went to the bathroom, and saw it on the floor in one of the stalls. The only thing that was in it was some papers, my keys, and my student ID. My wallet, with credit cards, money, bank card, license, social security card, medical card, etc., etc. was gone. My cell phone was gone. They took everything of value, they even took the time to take my gum. I know that sounds funny, but come on. They took my pile of quarters, for laundry. They have survelliance footage, but I have to go to the police station today, and see if they found out who it was. Well, the police just called me and told me that they found my wallet, but they weren't allowed to say over the phone what was in it, so I have to go and get, I feel like crud. and I am wondering why people do the bad things they do, and if they think that they are really going to get away with it. I realize that they will get whats coming to them, and that if I truly want to be a good person I have to forgive them. I am working on it. I am mad at them, and so angry. But now I am super suspicous of everyone at the gym. AHHHHH!!!!! God give me strength to forgive them, and show compassion to someone I don't like.

	2007.02.19  11.38 Huh? Well, basically I feel like a failure. I skip to many classes, not so many that I fail, but enough that I feel bad. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, and Im sure praying for some divine intervention to help me through it. I feel so depressed sometimes, like what I'm doing isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. Like, what my destiny is is somewhere else, doing something else. I wish I knew what it was. And another thing is that I have bad peanut butter, it has sallemonilla. I hope that is how it spelled. It could have made me really sick. AHHHHH!!!!!

	2007.02.13  12.35 >>>????<<< Truth by the way you walk You sound so happy with the way you talk, By I can see the truth, lagging steps, when you walk. I know you’re miserable, but all I have is me, To comfort and protect you in your time of need. I hope you’ll fix whatever that is wrong, Your life and your thoughts a depressed-love song. Your kindness to others, shows in your eyes, How you’re truly feeling, always disguised. You know you’re unhappy but what can you do, When crying is your game, self-loathing shines through. I give you my friendship, openly, but mad, That you never can be happy, not truly, only sad. Calm for your soul, and peace for your heart, The only way to finish this is to go back to the start. You sound so lost with the way you talk, But I can see the truth, fake steps, when you walk.

	2007.02.11  13.19 Well.... Wednesday pretty much bombed. I also read a couple of earlier entries, and apparently I read a myspace bulletin that saturday would be the best of my life. Why am I basing my happieness on myspace? lol. Thats crazy. Well, I hope today gets a whole lot better.

	2007.02.11  13.01 OMG!!!! I absoulutely hate it when people are ridiculous.I mean its about time that this person stops acting like a child and grows up. NOBODY hates you, or is mad, annoyed, dissatisfied, etc.etc. with you. Stop worrying about something that doesn't even exsist. AND please stop taking a decision you made out on me. You chose to do something else with someone else, even though we had plans first, your decision you deal with it. I WASN'T mad, i am now, but I wasn't before. You did something then took it out on me, deal with it. If you don't want to feel like you did something wrong, then don't. Don't make double plans, or invite everyone to go. That is another thing, if your tired of me I get it, but u have no right to be rude. How christian of you is it to treat someone like crap because of something you did. AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to go insane, absolutely crazy right now. I also don't get how you can keep saying how you hate yourself, and how your such an awlful person, when you have nothing to base it on. How can you say that you love God, when you don't love yourself. God created you in his image, and if your so bad then God is bad, and awlful. Which is certainly not true. I wish that you would stop being fake and just be yourself. This facade of self hate, and fake energy is quite annoying. You want to know the truth? What annoys people is that you constantly accuse them of being mad at you and hating you when they DON'T. Just get over it already. I wouldn't lie, if someone was mad at you, you would know. SO STOP IT ALREADY!!!! I know that this person probably won't read this, but if they do LISTEN to it. NOBODY HATES YOU!!!! So stop acting like it, and stop being so sad and depressed already, you cry all the time, and for no reason. and when your asked whats wrong, apparently you have no idea. SO, I think that you need to sit down, no matter how long it takes, and figure out what it is, and FIX it. There i'm done. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen, but if not then thats fine too. and don't make plans with me, if you don't want to do it. Just say i don't feel like it, and get a backbone already. I WAS NEVER MAD, I was sad because i wouldn't get something i was craving, but I would be fun. It wasn't the end of the world. It's just chinese. God loves you, alot of people love you, your in school, you have clothes and food, friends, family, what in the heck can you be so depressed about? Don't even try to say that something bad happened to you in the past, don't even go there. because Lord help me, bad things happen to people all the time, I could tell you some stories that would make you want to vomit, and I'm fine. I'm happy, I love my family, I have a good outlook on life, but I am getting so tired. How much longer are you going to make me do this? I can't keep trying to convince you that your a great person, because absolutely pointless, you won't here it. Don't lie, you choose others before me, and I just get so tired from having to defend my friendship with you. Were not going to be okay after this until you just learn to stop being so angry at everything. When you finally accept you and for who you are you will understand what I'm saying. You are the way you are, and the person you are because thats how God wants it, if you can't take that take it up with him. I'm here, and I love you, but I won't do this, if you won't either. Friendship is two sided. Music: Barlow Girl

	2007.02.08  18.41 Hey. Well, I just got back from CRU, and it was the best day of my life. I have never had such a good day in my life. It was an awesome experience.

	2007.02.06  12.15 A whole bunch of nothing.... Well, sunday night on myspace I filled out one of those bulletins where it says that something great is going to happen to me and Wednesday. I am really hoping it does, because I can't not wait for something exciting to happen. I really wish it would. I have accepted Christ into my life, and I am finding myself happier for it. I guess that I was afraid to accept it before, because I was afraid that God wouldn't accpet me. I'm still not so sure that he will, I hope he does. I came to the realization that God exsists because if he didn't how would I be here? How would I be doing what Im doing and feel what I'm feeling. and if God doesn't exsist why do so many people spend there lives trying to prove he doesn't? It was all so confusing, but I get it now. God is real, and he loves me. Sorry for rambling, but I had to get that out. Hope wednesday rocks. Mood: curious

	2007.01.22  13.10 Its been a while.... I'm feeling a bit weird at the moment. I am having great time at school, I am gaining self confidence. I just feel like my life is never going to get exciting, I feel like I will never fall in love, get a good job. I am paranoid about almost everything. Im hoping that someone will come out of nowhere, and we will be the best of friends. I want to find someone unique, and smart, and blah... blah... I hope it gets better.

	2007.01.22  13.09 Confusion You wonder everyday at why you feel lost, A dose of honesty, Hurt at what cost? You promised to do better, but the hurt thrives, On knowing you aren’t honest, With what you feel deep inside. You remember a youth that most will never know, The pain of your memory ages and grows. Your anger forgotten, your future has come, You have a decision to make that is easy to some. Confused thoughts of your fate and all you must do, Who will help you decide, that person can’t possibly be you. You sit on your bed and ponder your life, The smiles, the pain, the laughter, and strife. Confused and forgotten, alone and afraid, Where will you go when all else has staid. All you have left is a story unknown, Of a future of confusion, and a past that has grown. -Cary Tackett Music: Chasing Cars

	2007.01.11  12.34 Stuff.... Well, Christmas break is pretty much over, and I am bored out of my mind. Anyways, life is confusing as ever, and I hope I have enough money to pay for school. Otherwise no books for me. Mood: confused

	2007.01.05  18.02 Hey Well, its 2007 and life is far from peachey keen. lol. One of my friends is going back to school soon, and I miss him already. I want to go back to school, but I don't because I'm going to miss my family. I think I'm having feelings for someone, that I shouldn't because, someone I know has feelings for them. I didn't even know i had feelings for them, but I think they have feelings for me too, because the way he held my hand, and hugged me, and talked to me, made me think that he did. and I think that that makes me feel things for me, too. LIFE IS CONFUSING>>>>>>

	2006.12.12  18.51 I ♥ everyone... the code for making a little heart symbol is & hearts ; in case I ever forget. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥